1 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:14,722 (ALARM BLARES THEN LEONARD YELLS) 2 00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:17,474 - What the hell? - Emergency-preparedness drill. 3 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:20,686 - Oh, no. Come on. - Yeah, you know how it works. 4 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,022 Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. 5 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:27,443 Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead. 6 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:31,405 LEONARD: I have to get a lock for my door. 7 00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:35,075 I think you'll like the drill tonight. I've tried to make it fun. 8 00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:39,955 Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. 9 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:44,960 Everything from wildfires to a surprise invasion by Canada. 10 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,839 Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe. 11 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:54,136 Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California. 12 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:58,140 Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them? 13 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,226 Oh. Fine. 14 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:07,149 Alrighty. An 8.2-magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena... 15 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:11,195 ...reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames... 16 00:01:11,362 --> 00:01:14,865 ...the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. 17 00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:18,827 Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest. 18 00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:22,414 Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment... 19 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,459 ...dressed like one of the Village People. 20 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:31,215 You make that joke every three months, I still don't get it. Leonard, wait. 21 00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:34,802 - What are you doing? - I don't know. What am I doing? 22 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:39,223 Look around you, there's hypothetical broken glass everywhere. 23 00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:45,771 Really? You're going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? Your choice. 24 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:49,024 - Uh-oh! Hypothetical aftershock. - Unh! Aah! 25 00:01:49,192 --> 00:01:50,359 (LEONARD THUDS) 26 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,903 And that's why we wear hard hats. 27 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:20,222 Check it out. Press release. From NASA. 28 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:24,726 Ahem. "Expedition 31 will launch this spring to the International Space Station. 29 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:28,063 Crew members will include Commander Tom 'Tombo' Johnson... 30 00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:33,318 ...astronaut Mike 'Supernova' Novacelik, and payload specialist Howard Wolowitz." 31 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:34,736 (HOWARD LAUGHS) 32 00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:38,365 This is going right into my synagogue's newsletter. 33 00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:43,120 If you're going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname. 34 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,831 I don't get to. The other guys have to give it to me. 35 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:49,626 Oh. If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite. 36 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:55,591 Are you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname. 37 00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:58,552 Are you not looking at me? I am Brown Dynamite. 38 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,308 Why do you put six sugars in your coffee? 39 00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:08,645 Because the cafeteria doesn't offer little packets of methamphetamine. 40 00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:11,773 - Emergency drill night last night, huh? - Uh-huh. 41 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:15,110 - How'd you do? - I'll tell you exactly how he did. 42 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:19,865 "Readiness: Unsatisfactory. Follows direction: Barely. 43 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,242 Attitude: A little too much. 44 00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:27,623 Overall: Not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno... 45 00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:32,002 ...his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else's day." 46 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:37,549 You know what, I'm so tired I can't even think straight. I'm going home. 47 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,052 Can one of you give this nutbag a ride later? 48 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,639 You can't go home. You have to take me to the dentist at 4:00. 49 00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:47,100 - Oh. Can't you take the bus to the dentist? - Of course I can. 50 00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:50,854 It's coming back under the effects of the anesthesia that's the problem. 51 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:53,398 Two years ago, after a deep gum cleaning... 52 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:57,861 ...I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico. 53 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:04,826 - They put you under for a cleaning? - Yeah, they have to. I'm a biter. 54 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:09,456 Okay, whatever. Sheldon, I'm exhausted. I'm not taking you to the dentist. 55 00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:13,835 Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under Section 37B of the Roommate Agreement... 56 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:17,339 ...Miscellaneous Duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. 57 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:23,262 See? Here, after "providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products." 58 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:27,140 You know what? I am sick of the Roommate Agreement. 59 00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:29,184 (GASPS) 60 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,854 It's ridiculous, I'm your roommate, not your chauffeur. 61 00:04:33,022 --> 00:04:34,982 I had better things to do yesterday... 62 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:38,527 ...than drive you to the good model train store in Garden Grove... 63 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:42,656 ...because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches. 64 00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:46,159 Well, it has. Ask anybody. 65 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,412 I don't care. I'm done. 66 00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:53,083 Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209? 67 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:57,087 I don't know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes. 68 00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,507 Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship... 69 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:03,343 ...and strips the Roommate Agreement to its essentials. 70 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:06,138 Our responsibilities toward each other would be rent... 71 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:10,058 ...utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. 72 00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:11,727 What's up? 73 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,607 Where do I sign? 74 00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:21,194 Right here. Use your finger. 75 00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,448 - There. Done. SHELDON: All right. 76 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:28,660 That's it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. 77 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,829 We are now merely acquaintances. 78 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:34,791 To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me. 79 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:40,672 - I'm gonna go home and take a nap. - Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares. 80 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,468 I got pretty exciting NASA news today. 81 00:05:44,635 --> 00:05:50,390 Next week, I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills. 82 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:54,102 - What does that mean? - He's gonna learn to poop in space. 83 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:59,024 Open the pod bay doors, HAL. 84 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:03,487 Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite. 85 00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:10,327 Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter. 86 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:15,415 What's up? 87 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:17,292 My apologies. 88 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:21,880 I would've been here sooner but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it. 89 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:24,383 I saved you a dumpling. 90 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,510 Oh. Your concern for me is touching. 91 00:06:26,677 --> 00:06:29,805 It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow. 92 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:34,309 I'm sorry, Sheldon, I'm busy. I'm right in the middle of my addiction study. 93 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:39,064 I've got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow we switch them to O'Doul's. 94 00:06:39,982 --> 00:06:43,318 You're my girlfriend and you're not going to cater to my every need? 95 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,737 Oh, where'd the magic go? 96 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:49,408 Sheldon, that's not what girlfriends are for. 97 00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:52,911 Although, you don't use them for what they're for, so what do I know? 98 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:03,004 Howard doesn't make me do his shopping, take him to the dentist... 99 00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:07,300 - ...or pick up his dry cleaning, right? - Absolutely. But when Ma's hips give out... 100 00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:08,885 ...you're up, kid. 101 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:14,975 Well, if Amy's too busy, it gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier... 102 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:18,186 ...thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs... 103 00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:21,106 ...tentatively entitled You're Welcome, Mankind. 104 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:25,193 All right, then. Just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. 105 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,404 Uh, dentist. 106 00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:33,743 Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um... 107 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:38,415 Who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? 108 00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:43,795 Anyone? Oh. 109 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,714 That one had "hoot" written all over it. 110 00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:48,967 Um, all right. Uh, dermatologist. 111 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,180 Allergist. 112 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,391 Podiatrist. 113 00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:58,894 Supercuts? 114 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:01,480 Okay, okay, here's a fun one. 115 00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:06,776 Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. 116 00:08:06,944 --> 00:08:09,446 Who wants to spend the day with me at Ikea? 117 00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:13,241 - Their meatballs are good. - What? 118 00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:15,035 Nothing. Nothing. 119 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,289 Hello, Stuart. 120 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,833 Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today? 121 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,794 No, I was just sitting at home... 122 00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:28,924 ...thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth-favorite person. 123 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,843 - Ninth? - You moved up one. 124 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,597 My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. 125 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,309 So, uh, how are you? 126 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:43,939 Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself... 127 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,399 ...and blamed me in the note. 128 00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:50,987 Great, great. 129 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:56,660 So, what's new with your family? How's your mother? Is she alive? 130 00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,119 Yeah. 131 00:08:58,287 --> 00:09:01,831 - Your father. Alive? - Yes. 132 00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:05,752 - How about your grandparents, they alive? - No. 133 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,463 Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. 134 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:13,093 On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. 135 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:17,013 What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy? 136 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,808 Sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist? 137 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:22,644 Yes. And, now, I can't make any promises... 138 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:27,857 ...but that's the sort of thing that gets a fella on the list for the number eight friend slot. 139 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:31,319 Sheldon, I'm working. I can't take you to the dentist. 140 00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:37,158 Also, and I can't stress this enough, I don't want to take you to the dentist. 141 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:40,829 Can't help a friend out in a time of need, huh? 142 00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:43,081 I see where your therapist was coming from. 143 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,880 Ooh, ooh. What about we make your astronaut nickname... 144 00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:54,217 ...Howard "Buzz" Wolowitz? 145 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,804 You can't do Buzz. Buzz is taken. 146 00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,432 Buzz Lightyear is not real. 147 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:06,187 No, that's not what I'm talking about. 148 00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:09,107 Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real? 149 00:10:12,194 --> 00:10:13,486 No. 150 00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:18,575 Okay, um, oh, how about Crash? Howard "Crash" Wolowitz. 151 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:24,873 Terrific. The astronauts would love hurtling through space with a guy named Crash. 152 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:30,253 All right, uh, how about...? Oh, how about Rocket Man? 153 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:34,341 That's not bad. Howard "Rocket Man" Wolowitz. 154 00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:37,385 It's great, but I told you, I don't get to pick my nickname. 155 00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,554 It has to come from the other astronauts. 156 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:42,265 Maybe there's a way to get them to come up with it. 157 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:43,850 Like how? 158 00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:46,186 Once I tried carrying around a Duncan yo-yo... 159 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,522 ...hoping the other kids would start calling me Duncan. 160 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:53,151 - Did it work? - No, they ended up calling me Sock Mouth... 161 00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:58,740 ...because they took away my yo-yo and stuffed their socks in my mouth. 162 00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:05,497 Okay. Uh, what if we make "Rocket Man" your ringtone... 163 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:10,085 ...and the next time you talk to those guys, I'll call you and they'll hear it. 164 00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:11,878 That's not a terrible plan. 165 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:15,298 They don't call me Brown Dynamite for nothing. 166 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,844 - What's up? - What's up? 167 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,098 You ever make it to the dentist? 168 00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:28,186 Not necessary. I found a service that'll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. 169 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,355 Mostly they cater to dogs... 170 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,819 ...but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind. 171 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:40,115 All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you. 172 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,909 Are you suggesting that you've come to your senses... 173 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:47,789 ...and wish to reestablish the benefits that stem from the Roommate Agreement? 174 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:52,502 Absolutely. If you admit you're a 30-year-old man incapable of functioning on his own. 175 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,880 Ooh. Sock Mouth's got him on the ropes. 176 00:11:57,591 --> 00:12:00,719 I will admit nothing of the sort. And now, if you'll excuse me... 177 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:05,223 ...I have to call my dentist and see if I can get my hair shampooed and nails clipped. 178 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,144 (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) 179 00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:10,854 (TV STOPS) 180 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,651 00:15:46,945 ...he brought all this on himself. 238 00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:49,447 - But he's sad. - No, he's crazy. 239 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,617 Sometimes crazy looks like sad so it'll suck you back in. 240 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,121 I think he misses his little buddy. 241 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,833 Fine. 242 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:06,047 But mark my words, this frustrating bogus teenage make out session is not over. 243 00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,675 (WRAP POPS) 244 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:17,892 You said candles were dangerous. 245 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,894 This is a Bunsen burner. 246 00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:24,065 I'm a scientist. I know what I'm doing. 247 00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,609 Oh, drat. 248 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:36,452 Oh. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water. 249 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:43,292 Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don't see why we can't be friends. 250 00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:46,212 I'm willing to drive you and help you out with stuff... 251 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,923 ...I just don't want to because of some agreement. 252 00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:53,011 - What are you proposing? - That we go back to the way things were. 253 00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:56,472 But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation. 254 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:58,975 How would I do that? 255 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,688 - You say "thank you." - Every time? 256 00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:07,275 It's not crazy. 257 00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:09,819 Counter-proposal. 258 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:13,448 We reinstate the full Roommate Agreement with the following addendum: 259 00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:18,536 In the spirit of Mother's Day or Father's Day, once a year... 260 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:22,832 ...we set aside a day to celebrate all your contributions to my life... 261 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,127 ...both actual and imagined by you. 262 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,422 We could call it Leonard's Day. 263 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:33,217 I kind of like the sound of that. 264 00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:36,429 Of course you do. It's about you, like everything else. 265 00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:41,851 Oh, thank goodness. I don't think I had it in me to make another glass of water. 266 00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:44,854 So do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard's Day? 267 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,981 - No. - Can I sit in your spot? 268 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,859 - No. - Could I control the thermostat? 269 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:52,070 - No. - Do I get a card? 270 00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:53,905 Of course you get a card. 271 00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,532 It's Leonard's Day. 272 00:17:57,451 --> 00:18:00,787 Hey, guys. The building manager said the reason the power went out... 273 00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:04,874 ...is someone went into the basement and pulled the main breaker switch. 274 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,170 Really. 275 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,381 Who do you think did that, Sheldon? 276 00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:15,426 Oh, I don't know. 277 00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:21,849 But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful... 278 00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:25,478 ...for without him, there would be no Leonard's Day. 279 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:27,522 Leonard's Day? 280 00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:30,233 No pressure, just get him a crummy card, you're good. 281 00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,906 All right, test my ringtone. 282 00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,825 ELTON JOHN (SINGING ON RECORDING): Rocket man 283 00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:41,577 Burning out his fuse up here alone 284 00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:46,082 - It really is a good song. - Yeah, there's a reason he's Sir Elton John. 285 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:50,044 They don't make you a knight for writing "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." 286 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,840 MRS. WOLOWITZ: Howard, are you coming down for breakfast? 287 00:18:54,007 --> 00:18:58,052 Ma, I told you, I have a video conference with NASA! I said don't bother me! 288 00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:01,347 00:19:34,463 Sorry. My phone. 300 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,383 What is that? Is that "Rocket Man"? 301 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:41,470 Yeah, it's my ringtone. Kind of my favorite song, "Rocket Man." 302 00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:46,309 MRS. WOLOWITZ: Howard, your Froot Loops are getting soggy! 303 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,270 HOWARD Not now! 304 00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,648 - Who's that? - My mom. Sorry. 305 00:19:52,816 --> 00:19:55,985 No problem, Fruit Loops.